three weeks so far

It has hit me in no big way that I am married. I catch myself saying the words, "my fiance" and correcting myself before I sound like a confused idiot. I've had no big entrance, so to speak, into the married world. The wedding seems only self-contained. Like it was what it was. --A party. And it was great and wonderful and full of meaning, but nothing like a pair of gates, opening up into this much-anticipated new chapter of my life.

Marriage is very little what I thought it would be. It is great. But not in ways that I imagined, and it is difficult in no ways thus far that I expected. I feel closest to him, not during any fixed times or events. There are no equations that he or I or we could follow to produce intimacy in situations.

It hits me, like all good things, those feelings of affection and belonging and freedome, when I am not seeking them out so much.

The most surprising thing is how dominate are the feelings of failure and how affective they are on the rest of our relationship, the rest of my life. Also surprising is how Real marriage is. Just life. Together.

It is very simple in its routines. And of the actions and reactions of our dynamic. And topping everything in shock value is the lack of emotional awareness that I possess. We are married. Forever. And it doesn't phase me. It seems I haven't yet noticed, it hasn't caught my mind's eye, that we are One.

I feel now, more than ever before like Kristen. And Seth. Living our very real and practical lives.

Before marriage, I feel like I was highly in tune with the spiritual sanctity, importance, and meaning of it. I was well acquainted and thoughtful on its symbolism and of the privelege and responsibility of being a wife. I already feel like I am unlearning these things. I feel more like Kristen. More like myself. And less competent in being a wife.

The thought that I am living with this whole other person over whom my actions and demeanor have so much influence is a shocking and unnatural thought to me. Sometimes I feel like if I could actually perceive the degree of responsibility and influence that are involved, I never would've married.

I think the stars in our eyes are good for something. They lead us to the road, and get us started--walking on the path that leads us to know ourselves better. And eventually, to receive grace and love for being just whoever that is. It is almost an embarassing thing to realize. And that, I think, is an appropriate response to such Mercies.