fear and the opposite
i don't know when safety became the ultimate virtue to me.
and i don't know why all of a sudden i felt a strong and desperate urge to hide within security.
and answer any questions. and avoid any dillemas that may have occured in my future.
and save myself trials that might have happened.
i don't know why it happened. but it did. and it wasn't only desire that was calling out for these things.--for safety and security and avoidance and answered questions.
no, not desire.
it was more urgent.
more...desperate.
more fearful.
i don't know what caused me to be frightened. but i do know that it was not exactly warranted.
i need to take this job that i will like less than the one i have now because i need to know that if i get sick, i will have insurance. and i need to know that i will have money in the winter when the tourists go home and the town shuts down. i need to KNOW. i need to have FAITH in this future that i want to CONTROL.
Now
this is a good job. it would be a nice place to work. i might even enjoy it. i'm still considering if i'll take it.
but i'm not going to do it if it's out of fear.
safety is not the way of life. it is not highlighted in my past, my experience, my history. it is not the way of my God. it is not that which enables me for trust in his provision. it speaks out of a terror that is nonexistant at the moment. i am being pressured and worried by abstract ideas that are not even issues to me as of yet--health insurance for my children that i do not have, nights off so i can cook dinner--for only myself seeing as my husband will get home close to midnight.
"security" if you can call it that (and you can't if you're being truthful) cannot be the presiding factor in my decisions--whether it means leaving or staying.... it cannot be trusted.
and i don't know why all of a sudden i felt a strong and desperate urge to hide within security.
and answer any questions. and avoid any dillemas that may have occured in my future.
and save myself trials that might have happened.
i don't know why it happened. but it did. and it wasn't only desire that was calling out for these things.--for safety and security and avoidance and answered questions.
no, not desire.
it was more urgent.
more...desperate.
more fearful.
i don't know what caused me to be frightened. but i do know that it was not exactly warranted.
i need to take this job that i will like less than the one i have now because i need to know that if i get sick, i will have insurance. and i need to know that i will have money in the winter when the tourists go home and the town shuts down. i need to KNOW. i need to have FAITH in this future that i want to CONTROL.
Now
this is a good job. it would be a nice place to work. i might even enjoy it. i'm still considering if i'll take it.
but i'm not going to do it if it's out of fear.
safety is not the way of life. it is not highlighted in my past, my experience, my history. it is not the way of my God. it is not that which enables me for trust in his provision. it speaks out of a terror that is nonexistant at the moment. i am being pressured and worried by abstract ideas that are not even issues to me as of yet--health insurance for my children that i do not have, nights off so i can cook dinner--for only myself seeing as my husband will get home close to midnight.
"security" if you can call it that (and you can't if you're being truthful) cannot be the presiding factor in my decisions--whether it means leaving or staying.... it cannot be trusted.
I realize this is a bit after-the-fact since you wrote this a month ago, but this is a wrestling match that's familiar to me. The thing that is dumbfounding me is that making these decisions - to trust, to wait, to be dependent - often appear to be a) irresponsible, or b) immature, when the thing that motivates me to make them is quite the opposite.
ReplyDeletethanks for reminding me that I'm not a freak :)