this will not Resolve

so.
a couple of months ago our church service was a service of thanksgiving. and people got up and shared about what they were thankful for. how they saw god working in and through their lives. and before the sharing began, eric gave a brief message of how a life of gratitude is an opposite life of that of idolatry. In the scripture he read (which eludes me at this moment), the distinction was made that if we are not showing/feeling/expressing/living GRATITUDE for god, that we are living for idols.

and it kind of clicked for me that day that i was indeed living for an idol.

ask yourself what areas of your life you are ungrateful for.
do it.

i did.

and i realized that in most of those unthankful areas, the person i was serving, that was not pleased, that wanted more was MYSELF.

i am my own idol.

all the standards that i try to maintain and all the perfection and selflessness that i strive for is not done in the sight and knowledge and wonder that jesus christ is lord. and that god is almighty. and that i am and will always be a redeemed sinner.

no, it is out of a vain effort that my life is ungraciously lived.

and this ingratitude, this idolatry, struck me particularly in the issue of my appearance.

i loathe the appearance of my body. i do.

i hate the sight of myself in a mirror. and i have discovered in the last couple months or so
just
how
GUILTY i feel for the way that i look.

i never recognized this emotion at first because it is not a naturally evident one.
but it is EXACTLY how i've felt.
god can in no way be pleased with how i look because i have not taken care of myself, i am unhealthy. i have not honored his creation.
he must be saddened. disappointed at the sight of me.

how trivial appearance sounds.

but it isn't.

it affects me. all of me. my thoughts, feelings, my confidence.
it affects my relationship with seth, with others, with god, and with myself.

the way i look is no trivial issue.
in fact it is huge.

****to be continued****