Love and Enabling

The first time I did it in the bathroom
sat on the side of the bathtub,
rage in my hair
held those hands out in front of me
the window light
highlighting flakes, my skin dry
like tectonic plates, side by side
the fault lines deep in my cupped palms.

I looked and I named
I named all those things that threaten
to push inwards on my soul
I looked and I saw my own hands and I imagined
these things materializing in them:
The safety and security and happiness of my children
The house with more bedrooms and natural light
More money to do infinite good things
Sleep
Organs that do not grind my body into the ground every month, bringing pain like clockwork

And then I looked and imagined I saw
each thing levitate up into heaven
each thing I named and held in my palm
floating up and lifting off
leaving them empty

And the emptiness did not feel like loneliness
it felt like relief.

I looked at my hands
not for the first time I notice
they are quite small.
They cannot hold much--
the hand of someone I love,
a torn piece of bread.