Joy
My grandmother once told me, "Kristen, you can do everything. But you can't do everything well."
What wisdom. What truth. But the question I would like to ask is, "Can I do anything well?"
There are band-aids on the top of my son's ceiling fan blades. Band-aids. This would have taken some physics-defying acrobatics while--I don't know, lunging??-- from his top bunk. There is purple marker on the ceiling. On the ceiling. Also at the hand of the bunk bed and a mischievous Zimrie.
Yesterday I finally got Jonah to drift off to sleep and laid him down. Hands-free time! I thought, "I can clean the bathroom!" Only to walk into the kitchen and realize that I never put away the veggies and mayo and cheese from the day's lunch. And oh yeah, I should probably finish that laundry that's been on the kitchen table for three days.
Later Asher unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper into the potty and flushed. About ten times.
Is it this crazy at everyone's house??
In desperation, I checked out Bringing Up Boys from the church library. Tips? Maybe?
And last night. after much deliberation and great ambivalence, I sent in my resignation letter. It wasn't much of a job. But it was mine. And I enjoyed it.
It seems like a terrible decision. With the current state of our finances, walking away from any sort of income seems like a foolish move. But when my day ends at 10:00 pm and I can finally lay down a sleeping baby, I can't do much more than crawl into bed.
*
This past month or so I kept stumbling across a word. Joy. I'd see it in verses, hear it in songs. It was on a card I received, on memes in my newsfeed. If I wasn't so wary of hyper-spiritualizing things, I would have said that God was trying to get my attention. It wasn't until I was reading a book recommended by a friend that I relented. The author writes of how God will speak one word to her and teach her about it over time. She asks her readers point blank, "What is one word on your heart lately?" So finally I threw up my hands and said, "Joy!"
To be honest, this book was not initially my cup of tea. Her language and vocabulary, the organization of her writing, the extended metaphors--all things I wasn't crazy about. She ends each chapter with exercises for you to share your heart, explore your feelings. Most of these I ignored, deeming them not worth my time. (What's that they say about pride, again?)
But one seemed simple enough. She challenges the reader to make a list of things that bring them joy.
Now since "joy" was my word and all, I figured I could go ahead and do this one. My list turned out to be fairly simple.
Clean spaces
Burning candles
Flowers in the house
A good book
Having all five of us together
Writing
Massages
Rainy days
Good food
A mug of hot tea
A lot of this book (which is Finding Spiritual Whitespace by Bonnie Gray, by the way) is about self-care.
This is a big struggle for me. My soul rebels against it. All those feelings of selfishness and guilt can crowd my enjoyment of things. But lately I feel a little... off kilter.
I'm starting to think that perhaps me finding joy isn't just about trying to sift through the rubble of chaos to find the heart of the matter. Maybe it's not only about trying to boil down my "sufferings" to get to the nugget of truth or wisdom.
Maybe it's not just about finding joy in our circumstances, although I think that's part of it.
Maybe it's also about choosing to create joy within our circumstances, inserting joy into our environment, making time for the things that make me happy.
It is not as if quitting my job actually frees up any of my time. But it does begin to simplify my life. And these days I am taking steps towards that. Thank you, Ms. Gray.
We finally found a new home for Ed. He is happy and we will get to visit him regularly.
I've started decluttering the house. It's slow-going and will be a long process, but it's happening. I'm trying to simplify our decor as well. To make it easier on my eyes.
I'm going to have help with Souper Sundays now. It's not as if it was difficult work. But it is tricky with nursing a newborn.
I'm trying to streamline things in our life, to hopefully give me the margins or "whitespace" to choose joy. To take the time to write, to care for my garden so I can have cut flowers. To play soft music in the background during lunch, to decompress after a day of being constantly needed.
Today I would have normally drank the dregs of yesterday's pot of coffee so as not to waste it. But I chose to splurge and brew a fresh pot. I would normally have eaten a cheese quesadilla for lunch with the kiddos, but today I took the time to saute the peppers and onions and make the one that I really wanted. And now, after several attempts interrupted by life, with heavy eyelids, I can chronicle my thoughts in hopes of making sense of my emotions.
What wisdom. What truth. But the question I would like to ask is, "Can I do anything well?"
There are band-aids on the top of my son's ceiling fan blades. Band-aids. This would have taken some physics-defying acrobatics while--I don't know, lunging??-- from his top bunk. There is purple marker on the ceiling. On the ceiling. Also at the hand of the bunk bed and a mischievous Zimrie.
Yesterday I finally got Jonah to drift off to sleep and laid him down. Hands-free time! I thought, "I can clean the bathroom!" Only to walk into the kitchen and realize that I never put away the veggies and mayo and cheese from the day's lunch. And oh yeah, I should probably finish that laundry that's been on the kitchen table for three days.
Later Asher unrolled an entire roll of toilet paper into the potty and flushed. About ten times.
Is it this crazy at everyone's house??
In desperation, I checked out Bringing Up Boys from the church library. Tips? Maybe?
And last night. after much deliberation and great ambivalence, I sent in my resignation letter. It wasn't much of a job. But it was mine. And I enjoyed it.
It seems like a terrible decision. With the current state of our finances, walking away from any sort of income seems like a foolish move. But when my day ends at 10:00 pm and I can finally lay down a sleeping baby, I can't do much more than crawl into bed.
*
This past month or so I kept stumbling across a word. Joy. I'd see it in verses, hear it in songs. It was on a card I received, on memes in my newsfeed. If I wasn't so wary of hyper-spiritualizing things, I would have said that God was trying to get my attention. It wasn't until I was reading a book recommended by a friend that I relented. The author writes of how God will speak one word to her and teach her about it over time. She asks her readers point blank, "What is one word on your heart lately?" So finally I threw up my hands and said, "Joy!"
To be honest, this book was not initially my cup of tea. Her language and vocabulary, the organization of her writing, the extended metaphors--all things I wasn't crazy about. She ends each chapter with exercises for you to share your heart, explore your feelings. Most of these I ignored, deeming them not worth my time. (What's that they say about pride, again?)
But one seemed simple enough. She challenges the reader to make a list of things that bring them joy.
Now since "joy" was my word and all, I figured I could go ahead and do this one. My list turned out to be fairly simple.
Clean spaces
Burning candles
Flowers in the house
A good book
Having all five of us together
Writing
Massages
Rainy days
Good food
A mug of hot tea
A lot of this book (which is Finding Spiritual Whitespace by Bonnie Gray, by the way) is about self-care.
This is a big struggle for me. My soul rebels against it. All those feelings of selfishness and guilt can crowd my enjoyment of things. But lately I feel a little... off kilter.
I'm starting to think that perhaps me finding joy isn't just about trying to sift through the rubble of chaos to find the heart of the matter. Maybe it's not only about trying to boil down my "sufferings" to get to the nugget of truth or wisdom.
Maybe it's not just about finding joy in our circumstances, although I think that's part of it.
Maybe it's also about choosing to create joy within our circumstances, inserting joy into our environment, making time for the things that make me happy.
It is not as if quitting my job actually frees up any of my time. But it does begin to simplify my life. And these days I am taking steps towards that. Thank you, Ms. Gray.
We finally found a new home for Ed. He is happy and we will get to visit him regularly.
I've started decluttering the house. It's slow-going and will be a long process, but it's happening. I'm trying to simplify our decor as well. To make it easier on my eyes.
I'm going to have help with Souper Sundays now. It's not as if it was difficult work. But it is tricky with nursing a newborn.
I'm trying to streamline things in our life, to hopefully give me the margins or "whitespace" to choose joy. To take the time to write, to care for my garden so I can have cut flowers. To play soft music in the background during lunch, to decompress after a day of being constantly needed.
Today I would have normally drank the dregs of yesterday's pot of coffee so as not to waste it. But I chose to splurge and brew a fresh pot. I would normally have eaten a cheese quesadilla for lunch with the kiddos, but today I took the time to saute the peppers and onions and make the one that I really wanted. And now, after several attempts interrupted by life, with heavy eyelids, I can chronicle my thoughts in hopes of making sense of my emotions.
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