Love and Enabling
I've said it several times before, and I'm sure I'll say it again: Sometimes I wish that Jesus would have walked the earth at the same time as drug addicts. You may think this is silly and that all of the principles of Jesus' life and love extend across time and situations and circumstance. And that there is nothing new under the sun. And maybe there were opiate addicts back in Bible times. I don't know.
There are just some times that I have trouble distinguishing between helping people and enabling them. Some of you may know that both of my parents are addicts, that I grew up in a toxic environment filled with irresponsibility and scapegoats; enabling and despair. Drugs, alcohol, guilt, naivety and ignorance. And granted, this may skew my vision.
Yesterday on our family trip to Wal-Mart we drove by a panhandler in the parking lot. We had passed a hitchhiker on our way. And once in the store, we were approached by a woman and her two daughters who asked us to buy them gas. These are not new sights. The warmer weather (and maybe the tourist season) definitely has more people on street corners, but there always seems to be someone in need.
This woman told us that she had her food stamp card and asked if she could buy us ten dollars worth of groceries so we could give her ten dollars cash for gas to get to Springfield. We told her sure. We'd meet her by the checkout lanes when we finished shopping and then we'd go over to the gas station and put gas in her car. We hadn't been planning on taking her up on her food stamp transaction offer, but when we got to the checkout lane, she came up and told Seth that she was so sorry, she thought she had her card with her, but she didn't. Could we still spare some gas money? Seth said yes. We met her at the gas station and, as we'd decided on the drive over, filled up her tank. I asked her where she was from and where she was going and made general small talk with her. Hard times, laid off, going to get a title loan. I took my receipt and she said thanks and maybe I'll see you around sometime and can pay you back.
It's funny how two people can experience the same thing, have the same response even, but think two completely different ways. In the car Seth said, "It's obvious that it took something out of that woman to have to ask for help. It's obvious that she was humbled by it." My response, "Really?? It seemed so rehearsed to me. I'm pretty sure she didn't mind at all asking us for help." I don't know if "scam" is the right word here, but I definitely questioned the validity of her need. Yet, we both thought that buying her gas was the right thing to do.
Seth and I have talked a long time about it. We've talked to several friends and gotten their thoughts. Here's my question: What kind of responsibility do we have towards people asking for our help? I can see you answering simply: to help them, to love them. I could easily imagine this woman as my mother, and someone buying my mother a tank of gas so that she could spend her own money on drugs would not be helpful. It wouldn't be loving. But, we can't treat everyone we meet as a drug addict until proven innocent. We are responsible for our own actions, but how do we follow through with that? How are we responsible? Many situations do not give us the time to get to know somebody. And surely we don't need to grill everyone that desires help. And anyway, if we go down that road far enough then none of us would deserve any help. Ever. You also can't only help people that you are in close enough relationship with to know their heart and history. You would only be loving your friends. What about your enemies? And the strangers?
There's also the fact that there seem to be lots of people these days who simply like living "on the road" and prefer begging to working. I'm not so on board with this. I guess it would depend on the semantics of their cardboard sign, the ethics of this situation. (Okay, I am sounding ridiculous.) You also have to take into account the country that we live in and that there are lots of programs out there for helping people in need.
Our friends have had varied responses (I am grossly paraphrasing here): I don't help unless I really feel God stirring me.... I don't help, I'm a Republican. But I don't feel good about that decision....Help them out, but never give cash...Do more than they ask for, sit down and talk with them.
I know that I am the pessimist. A gracious person could say I was discerning. I like to think of myself as a realist. But I just don't always know the loving thing to do. At the end of the day I know that I am responsible for my actions. I know that I can't know everything--not someone else's heart, not their true intent. But what can I know and how can I know it? What is truly loving? Do we assume that everyone we meet knows what they need when they ask for help?
Maybe this, like most Kingdom matters, is something that exist in the paradox. Maybe we can't know. Maybe sometimes we help, maybe sometimes we enable. Maybe all we can do is depend on the Spirit in each individualized circumstance and trust that we'll be led and that love will come through no matter what we decide. I don't know.
I'm very interested to hear others' thoughts on this. What do you think? How can we effectively love those in need?
There are just some times that I have trouble distinguishing between helping people and enabling them. Some of you may know that both of my parents are addicts, that I grew up in a toxic environment filled with irresponsibility and scapegoats; enabling and despair. Drugs, alcohol, guilt, naivety and ignorance. And granted, this may skew my vision.
Yesterday on our family trip to Wal-Mart we drove by a panhandler in the parking lot. We had passed a hitchhiker on our way. And once in the store, we were approached by a woman and her two daughters who asked us to buy them gas. These are not new sights. The warmer weather (and maybe the tourist season) definitely has more people on street corners, but there always seems to be someone in need.
This woman told us that she had her food stamp card and asked if she could buy us ten dollars worth of groceries so we could give her ten dollars cash for gas to get to Springfield. We told her sure. We'd meet her by the checkout lanes when we finished shopping and then we'd go over to the gas station and put gas in her car. We hadn't been planning on taking her up on her food stamp transaction offer, but when we got to the checkout lane, she came up and told Seth that she was so sorry, she thought she had her card with her, but she didn't. Could we still spare some gas money? Seth said yes. We met her at the gas station and, as we'd decided on the drive over, filled up her tank. I asked her where she was from and where she was going and made general small talk with her. Hard times, laid off, going to get a title loan. I took my receipt and she said thanks and maybe I'll see you around sometime and can pay you back.
It's funny how two people can experience the same thing, have the same response even, but think two completely different ways. In the car Seth said, "It's obvious that it took something out of that woman to have to ask for help. It's obvious that she was humbled by it." My response, "Really?? It seemed so rehearsed to me. I'm pretty sure she didn't mind at all asking us for help." I don't know if "scam" is the right word here, but I definitely questioned the validity of her need. Yet, we both thought that buying her gas was the right thing to do.
Seth and I have talked a long time about it. We've talked to several friends and gotten their thoughts. Here's my question: What kind of responsibility do we have towards people asking for our help? I can see you answering simply: to help them, to love them. I could easily imagine this woman as my mother, and someone buying my mother a tank of gas so that she could spend her own money on drugs would not be helpful. It wouldn't be loving. But, we can't treat everyone we meet as a drug addict until proven innocent. We are responsible for our own actions, but how do we follow through with that? How are we responsible? Many situations do not give us the time to get to know somebody. And surely we don't need to grill everyone that desires help. And anyway, if we go down that road far enough then none of us would deserve any help. Ever. You also can't only help people that you are in close enough relationship with to know their heart and history. You would only be loving your friends. What about your enemies? And the strangers?
There's also the fact that there seem to be lots of people these days who simply like living "on the road" and prefer begging to working. I'm not so on board with this. I guess it would depend on the semantics of their cardboard sign, the ethics of this situation. (Okay, I am sounding ridiculous.) You also have to take into account the country that we live in and that there are lots of programs out there for helping people in need.
Our friends have had varied responses (I am grossly paraphrasing here): I don't help unless I really feel God stirring me.... I don't help, I'm a Republican. But I don't feel good about that decision....Help them out, but never give cash...Do more than they ask for, sit down and talk with them.
I know that I am the pessimist. A gracious person could say I was discerning. I like to think of myself as a realist. But I just don't always know the loving thing to do. At the end of the day I know that I am responsible for my actions. I know that I can't know everything--not someone else's heart, not their true intent. But what can I know and how can I know it? What is truly loving? Do we assume that everyone we meet knows what they need when they ask for help?
Maybe this, like most Kingdom matters, is something that exist in the paradox. Maybe we can't know. Maybe sometimes we help, maybe sometimes we enable. Maybe all we can do is depend on the Spirit in each individualized circumstance and trust that we'll be led and that love will come through no matter what we decide. I don't know.
I'm very interested to hear others' thoughts on this. What do you think? How can we effectively love those in need?
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI am just as bewildered about this as you, but I do have an anecdote. When I moved to Durham, there used to be panhandlers at every intersection. EVERY intersection. After a while and more conversations than it should have taken, I decided I was going to carry water bottles and snacks in my car to hand out - it wasn't much, but at least an effort to show that I saw them, saw them as people who might be in need. So I went to Sam's Club and stocked up, rubber-banded little water bottle-nut-pack-protein-bar packages together, and was ready. That very same weekend - I'm not even exaggerating - the city of Durham passed an ordinance outlawing panhandling and started arresting people. And there I was with all my protein bars.
ReplyDeleteha ha ha ha ..Allison, made me laugh out loud. You are an angel.
DeleteHaha! What a story! :) I love it. That is a great idea, though. I definitely never want to give cash, and lots of times don't want to give what they ask for... But giving something does sound appropriate. Food and water are fairly good in and of themselves.
DeleteKristen, This is good stuff. I'm leaving town and my husband is asking me why I'm on the computer, but I will comment on this. I share so many of your thoughts. You and Seth are amazing. I love you!!
ReplyDeleteHaha, Torie. We love you too! I think you're right--we are a lot alike. Seth comes home from every deacon meeting saying that you and him are on the same page about everything.
DeleteIt really is true that everyone has their own take on the matter depending on their background & perspective so it's tricky to get a clear perspective. My background of growing up in Mexico with little kids swarming the car at every stop light to 'wash your windows' (aka smear filthy water around) for a few pesos or the Tarahumara mothers nursing their babies under their voluminous traditional garb while holding a hand out gave me a pretty thick skin. I grew up knowing that eye contact is commitment & there was no way to help everyone so the solution was to help no one. Of course my parents were there as missionaries, so they were helping (which is a much longer & different part of my perspective), but I wasn't. I was just going to school, like any normal kid with blind eyes for the beggars. We have far fewer homeless here in Branson, MO, but I still avoid eye contact at all costs. I, too, would like to see how Jesus would have responded to our current culture. I have a feeling it wouldn't have cleared things up much, though. He had a way of confounding everyone :-)
ReplyDeleteYou're totally right. On second thought I doubt that Jesus would offer much clarity.... Maybe just more questions. :) Rules are so much simpler.
DeleteAs people who have spent almost two decades living with some of the poorest people in the world and no safety nets, Faith and I have lived this struggle for a long time. I could write a book but will just make a few comments based on many years of reflection. The Bible has hundreds of places where we are told to help the poor and needy, even threatened with punishment if we don't. It speaks against being lazy but it really has nothing to say about ENABLING lazy people or creating dependency among the poor. That doesn't mean these things are desirable or that we shouldn't try to avoid them. We should do our good deeds with as much wisdom and discernment as we can muster. However, the people in true need have an obligation to be honest and to not fall into lazy dependency on others help. God will hold them accountable if they don't. He will hold us accountable if we have our "good steward filter" so stringent that we don't help those that we really should help. If we never get taken advantage of we probably need to open our filter a little.
ReplyDeleteKristen, God gave the prophets discernment to see things from his perspective and then share that perspective with the people. They were true "realists". What could be more real than God's perspective? Never-the-less, they were always seen as the pessimist. God doesn't give everyone a lot of discernment and it is not a fun gift to wield. It makes a person a little hard. Not wrong, just hard. You and Seth are on opposite ends of the spectrum. Faith and I have been pulling each other to the middle for thirty years. Neither of us is as gracious as we should be about the others "insights". Actually written by MR Steve Leach
Very true. I agree that we will answer for our own actions and not other's. And it seems like it would be better to err (?) on the side of showing love, and of being optimistic about other's intentions. It is only when knowledge comes into play that our responsibilities could change. But maybe seeking out that knowledge isn't always necessary.... Thanks for the input! I appreciate everyone's take on this.
ReplyDelete