"Sometimes I can't see; that don't mean I'm blind."

All the time people are saying that parenting is hard. Mommy blogs bemoan the chaos that is multiple children. People see me, a mom of two toddlers, they kindly remark, "You sure have your hands full!"

They address the practicality of not being in two places at once, not being able to control another human being, the monotony of discipline, the monotony of play, the rise and fall of high emotions, the sibling rivalry, the competition for attention, the messes that come from exploring and creating. I hear and read lots of things that are truly hard. Parenting is not easy. The responsibility of two little people, nineteen months apart, who are finally starting to act and react as peers instead of "big brother/baby", this is a challenge. I relate to all the honesty, all the complaints, all the pleas for help and prayers for patience, the hiding in the bathroom.

But I think my biggest struggle as a parent is the feeling that is prevalent in every day, every decision, being in the throws of, "I don't know what to do." There's that old adage about wishing that babies came with instruction manuals. . . YES. That's all I have to say about that.

I wish I heard more people saying that they don't know what they are doing. Not just that their decisions are hard to make or hard to keep consistent or that their kid responds poorly to it. I wish I heard more people say that they don't know what to do in situations, that when they make a decision, they don't know if it's the right one, they don't know if it will work or be the best thing for their child. They don't know if they can stay consistent, if their kids will find loop holes, if they will regret it after day one.

My therapist assures me that most of parenting is guesswork. And it has to be since that manual was missing and probably wouldn't have fit in my uterus anyway. But boy, do we try to find manuals. Everywhere people promote their best self, their good days, their accomplishments. And I rejoice in that! I really do! (I KNOW how hard it is to potty train.)  We read so many books to try and find the right way to parent, the best decisions, the most effective discipline. I am all about learning new ideas and finding tips and doing enrichment activities and getting help, but my gosh--it can be overwhelming!

As someone who, for a long time, has had a hard time trusting herself and her decisions, parenting can be a bit of a nightmare. Second-guessing the long-term effects of each little choice was too much. It put me over the edge. It is a control issue, to be sure, but my lack of confidence was paralyzing me.

I have a hard time putting my desires over my children's. I want them to have a mother who loves and cares for them selflessly. For instance, if we go for a walk, and Asher is in the stroller, but Zimrie wants out to walk, I let him. It is harder for me to hold Zim's hand and push the double jogger with one hand, but I want Zim to feel loved and feel like his needs are being met. Then Zim is tired of walking and wants to be held and then it's extremely difficult to maneuver both. Then I get frustrated. This is probably really silly to many of you. But for me, for quite a while, this felt like a crisis. I know now that the best thing is for them both to stay in the stroller, for Zimrie to deal with disappointment, and for me to have both hands to push them along our merry way. But for a few months there, I was too far in it to have the sight or the strength for this. I don't really know why. Every little decision was: What's more important? For me to have things be easier for me or for them to feel loved? How much attention does he need? Does he need me to focus on him right now? Or does he need to learn that he's not the center of the universe? Is his resentment of his brother a natural thing? Or a sign that we're not parenting well? Is my desire greater than his desire just because I'm the parent?

I still feel this way a lot. I think hindsight does us a little disservice. It is easy to look back on days when your baby was waking up five times a night, because now they're not. And that's over. And now, every day is not stickers and M&M's and dirty underpants and "Oh my gosh you have to go to the potty!" It's easy to think that we as parents somehow resolved these issues or found the thing that worked for us. That might be true. But also important is the moments of desperation, all the trial-and-error, all the questions we had. Should we force this? Will it just happen when he's ready? Should we discipline them or ignore it? Is this just natural regression? I think most of us probably try lots of different things. I think most things are a combination of the child's will and the parent's strength. I think most things are just hard.

I don't have answers to the feelings of inadequacy. I know that I needed to talk to someone. That one of the most prevalent feelings after meeting with my counselor is confidence in my parenting, confidence in myself. I don't really know why that is. It helps to have someone that is unbiased just say, "It is hard. You do good enough. It is guesswork."  It helps to be reminded that my kids need to learn they're not the center of things, that is a hard lesson, but SUCH a good one. One that we learn over and over. But to learn it now will be so helpful to them. It helps to enforce nap time and quiet time so that I can have an hour where no one is talking to me. It helps to exercise.

Parenting is so hard because there's no affirmation. Maybe one day your kids will grow up and tell you that you were a wonderful parent and they know you did the best you could and they love you and respect you. Or maybe that will never happen. It seems like it's all a gamble sometimes. That you do good and hard work and hope for the best. But the good work isn't written out for you, it's every day, every emotion, both parent and child, making new decisions over and over again.

Here it is, for any of you out there that feel like me: I don't know what the hell I'm doing.