Beyond the Safe Place
I got up at church today to talk about making kits for Syrian refugees. To ask for donations. To encourage people to participate in something active, something concrete. Something that would help those who are desperately in need.
I almost didn't do it.
I almost decided not to even pursue the project because it would involve public speaking.
That's how silly/ridiculous/selfish/fearful I am.
This morning's liturgy could have been directed at me. I wish I had written it down. Something along the lines of--God, forgive us because we often don't pursue your ends due to our own discomfort. We often ignore the Spirit because of our own fears and worries. Forgive us, for we sin.
After Seth told me that someone would need to announce the project that our Young Mom's Group is undertaking, I knew that I could beg to be let off the hook. I could plead with someone more at ease on the stage to take my place and announce things.
But while reading through my Iona Abbey Worship Book, looking for prayers on justice and peace, I flagged a page to be read at our event during the time of prayer:
WE BELIEVE THAT GOD IS PRESENT
IN THE DARKNESS BEFORE THE DAWN;
IN THE WAITING AND UNCERTAINTY
WHERE FEAR AND COURAGE JOIN HANDS,
CONFLICT AND CARING LINK ARMS,
AND THE SUN RISES OVER BARBED WIRE.
WE BELIEVE IN A WITH-US GOD
WHO SITS DOWN IN OUR MIDST
TO SHARE OUR HUMANITY.
WE AFFIRM A FAITH
THAT TAKES US BEYOND THE SAFE PLACE:
INTO ACTION, INTO VULNERABILITY
AND INTO THE STREETS.
WE COMMIT OURSELVES TO WORK FOR CHANGE
AND PUT OURSELVES ON THE LINE;
TO BEAR RESPONSIBILITY, TAKE RISKS,
LIVE POWERFULLY AND FACE HUMILIATION;
TO STAND WITH THOSE WHO LIVE ON THE EDGE,
TO CHOOSE LIFE,
AND BE USED BY THE SPIRIT
FOR GOD'S NEW COMMUNITY OF HOPE.
AMEN.
(Iona 109)
That's when I knew I would do it.
I would stand up there and face humiliation. Because what else does one do in the middle of injustice?
And believe me, I know it is trivial to stand in front of a group of people who know me and care for me and to make a one minute announcement about something they'll be happy to do.
It's a tiny sacrifice to have butterflies and shaky knees for the morning. Especially comparatively. All things are trivial in comparison.
After I was done and I went downstairs to nurse the baby, I felt emotional. I expected to feel sheer relief, as I had after every speech in Public Speaking in college. But I didn't really. It took me a while to recognize what it was.
Later, Matt thanked me for getting up there and said I did well and that it was a good thing. And I said, yes--that it was something worth being embarrassed over. Amen, he said.
And I think that's really how I feel. I feel grateful that there are things worth being embarrassed over. Things bigger than me. And things worth sacrifice. As my Iona prayer book also states: "We will not make offerings that cost us nothing."
I'm glad that the Spirit gives me a restless heart, that I am not the end goal, that "my life is not my own to do with as I please." I'm glad for those holy disturbances that keep me humble and vulnerable and open to community with others. I am glad that God sustains me, and glad that there are things more important than my comfort.
I almost didn't do it.
I almost decided not to even pursue the project because it would involve public speaking.
That's how silly/ridiculous/selfish/fearful I am.
This morning's liturgy could have been directed at me. I wish I had written it down. Something along the lines of--God, forgive us because we often don't pursue your ends due to our own discomfort. We often ignore the Spirit because of our own fears and worries. Forgive us, for we sin.
After Seth told me that someone would need to announce the project that our Young Mom's Group is undertaking, I knew that I could beg to be let off the hook. I could plead with someone more at ease on the stage to take my place and announce things.
But while reading through my Iona Abbey Worship Book, looking for prayers on justice and peace, I flagged a page to be read at our event during the time of prayer:
WE BELIEVE THAT GOD IS PRESENT
IN THE DARKNESS BEFORE THE DAWN;
IN THE WAITING AND UNCERTAINTY
WHERE FEAR AND COURAGE JOIN HANDS,
CONFLICT AND CARING LINK ARMS,
AND THE SUN RISES OVER BARBED WIRE.
WE BELIEVE IN A WITH-US GOD
WHO SITS DOWN IN OUR MIDST
TO SHARE OUR HUMANITY.
WE AFFIRM A FAITH
THAT TAKES US BEYOND THE SAFE PLACE:
INTO ACTION, INTO VULNERABILITY
AND INTO THE STREETS.
WE COMMIT OURSELVES TO WORK FOR CHANGE
AND PUT OURSELVES ON THE LINE;
TO BEAR RESPONSIBILITY, TAKE RISKS,
LIVE POWERFULLY AND FACE HUMILIATION;
TO STAND WITH THOSE WHO LIVE ON THE EDGE,
TO CHOOSE LIFE,
AND BE USED BY THE SPIRIT
FOR GOD'S NEW COMMUNITY OF HOPE.
AMEN.
(Iona 109)
That's when I knew I would do it.
I would stand up there and face humiliation. Because what else does one do in the middle of injustice?
And believe me, I know it is trivial to stand in front of a group of people who know me and care for me and to make a one minute announcement about something they'll be happy to do.
It's a tiny sacrifice to have butterflies and shaky knees for the morning. Especially comparatively. All things are trivial in comparison.
After I was done and I went downstairs to nurse the baby, I felt emotional. I expected to feel sheer relief, as I had after every speech in Public Speaking in college. But I didn't really. It took me a while to recognize what it was.
Later, Matt thanked me for getting up there and said I did well and that it was a good thing. And I said, yes--that it was something worth being embarrassed over. Amen, he said.
And I think that's really how I feel. I feel grateful that there are things worth being embarrassed over. Things bigger than me. And things worth sacrifice. As my Iona prayer book also states: "We will not make offerings that cost us nothing."
I'm glad that the Spirit gives me a restless heart, that I am not the end goal, that "my life is not my own to do with as I please." I'm glad for those holy disturbances that keep me humble and vulnerable and open to community with others. I am glad that God sustains me, and glad that there are things more important than my comfort.
Comments
Post a Comment